***SPOILER ALERT : this post is NOT about losing weight / "toning" my muscles The bigger the changes in our lives, the scarier life seems to be. When things get scary and uncomfortable, it's basically second nature to do absolutely any and everything you possibly can to make things LESS uncomfortable. To make your situation "easier" to deal with. This is human nature. In just over 2 months, I'm moving to Texas. FREAKIN' TEXAS. That's a pretty big life change. Cue the big life change thoughts / concerns / NON-STOP jibber-jabber flooding my brain the other day whilst in the shower (best thinking spot, obvs). I started thinking how I could make this transition LESS uncomfortable. In the past, less uncomfortable for me has meant thinner & less visible & less noticeable & standing out the least that I could Less uncomfortable for me has meant blending in & conforming to societal standards & quieting my voice. So, in that same shower sesh, while I was all up in my own feelings about this giant - no - HUMONGOUS change about to take place in my life, my first thought was, "I want to be the best version of me." (after all the time that has passed) (& after all the healing and progress I've made) (& after working so fucking hard over these past few months to find and identify "ME" - the ME apart from just the outside of my body) you can imagine just how disheartening it was when the first thoughts following that initial "best version of me" sentiment completely and wholly revolved around my weight and physical appearance. "How can I look my absolute best?" And the scary thing is - I'm a fucking master at all this. I KNOW how to make it work.
In my F'd up, eating disordered mind, there's still a big part of me that feels like I need to look a certain way (thin / traditionally "fit") in order to be attractive, in order for anyone to be interested in me. Even though I can look back on younger Alicia and see that, when I WASN'T obsessed with my appearance / working out, there were still plenty mutual attraction interactions (ok, just try & say that 5x fast, lol!). BUT. Then I got to thinking. What would happen if this time I did something different? What would happen if, this time around, "the best version of me" meant stronger, more experienced, intuitive, resilient, intelligent, boundlessly creative, giving, kind, & compassionate? What if, instead of hyper-focusing on changing my body, ONE superficial aspect of myself THAT CHANGES NATURALLY ANYWAYS, I was focused on opening my eyes to the bigger, more meaningful aspects of myself like my : willingness to go above & beyond, fearlessness to take risks, adventurous & spontaneous spirit, constant thirst for challenge, fierce independence, & excitement for change? That all sounds a whole lot better, eh? A hell of a lot better, actually. We have been conditioned to think and feel like we are not enough, as we are, in this very moment. We are surrounded by messages that hone in on our bodies and our insecurities FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S PROFIT. And, in this specific situation in MY life, my initial thought(s) as I prepare to move 22 hours away all revolved around getting my body into "tip-top" shape. What the fuck - that honestly doesn't even make sense! Like I'm seriously about to bust out in laughter over here because it's… ridiculous. I'm getting a bit exhausted from it all, FOR REALSIES. I'm tired of the constant internal battle I have with myself reminding ME that I AM MORE THAN OKAY just as I am, and that if I want to change in any way / shape / form it should be for myself and for no other reason than that. It definitely shouldn't be because someone else says that I should. This time around, IMMA DO ME. & ME = a hella lot more than just exercising and "eating clean". I've got 2 months to get MY ENTIRE BEING into the best shape of my life. And for once, that doesn't mean losing weight or establishing an exercise routine or "losing those last 5 pounds". This time I'm looking at my brain and my emotions and my spiritual being. This time I'm focusing on my HOLISTIC health, which I sacrificed for superficiality before. I'm not saying it's gonna be a walk in the park, but I am saying that this time I'm trying my best not to seek out validation from anybody else aside from ME. This Time |
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and then, this :
t first I'm just like, "OH COOL I ROLLED OVER, SWEET." Good job, baby Alicia!
Then I looked a leeeetle bit closer. March 2nd, eh? That's like… tomorrow. Weird.
Or… was it?
For anyone who's been paying the slightest bit attention to me / my posts, you might've noticed that I've been going through some heavy shit lately.
Heavy shit Cliff Notes version = I'm on the bumpy road of recovery from an eating disorder.
This week just so happens to be National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I went into this week wanting to really share more of my story in hopes that I could raise some awareness / educate peeps because, the yucky truth is that there are so many stigmas / generalizations / myths / just flat out FALSE "facts" revolving around eating disorders, which happen to have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. So I've been posting every day, which has been bringing to surface ALL THE EMOTIONS and ALL THE FEELINGS.
Anyone who has gone through recovery (of any sort) can probably attest to the messy transition from broken to not-as-broken. Summed up, that's how I have felt this week. Like the broken pieces are all starting to make a little more sense. I've been able to pick them up and, gently, examine the part they played in this whole, big picture.
So, finding that little scribbled note - "rolled over on left side" - that would be EXACTLY 26 years ago the next day, felt like something big to me.
It felt like :
I can finally live
I can finally turn this page
I can finally be brave
I can finally start to move forward
I can finally use all this strength and healing I've been working so hard towards
I can finally help others by helping myself
I can finally move and breathe and begin again
I can finally "roll over," leaving that stagnant, painful experience in the past.
Then I looked a leeeetle bit closer. March 2nd, eh? That's like… tomorrow. Weird.
Or… was it?
For anyone who's been paying the slightest bit attention to me / my posts, you might've noticed that I've been going through some heavy shit lately.
Heavy shit Cliff Notes version = I'm on the bumpy road of recovery from an eating disorder.
This week just so happens to be National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I went into this week wanting to really share more of my story in hopes that I could raise some awareness / educate peeps because, the yucky truth is that there are so many stigmas / generalizations / myths / just flat out FALSE "facts" revolving around eating disorders, which happen to have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. So I've been posting every day, which has been bringing to surface ALL THE EMOTIONS and ALL THE FEELINGS.
Anyone who has gone through recovery (of any sort) can probably attest to the messy transition from broken to not-as-broken. Summed up, that's how I have felt this week. Like the broken pieces are all starting to make a little more sense. I've been able to pick them up and, gently, examine the part they played in this whole, big picture.
So, finding that little scribbled note - "rolled over on left side" - that would be EXACTLY 26 years ago the next day, felt like something big to me.
It felt like :
I can finally live
I can finally turn this page
I can finally be brave
I can finally start to move forward
I can finally use all this strength and healing I've been working so hard towards
I can finally help others by helping myself
I can finally move and breathe and begin again
I can finally "roll over," leaving that stagnant, painful experience in the past.
Happy March 2nd to me.
Happy rolling over day to me.
❤
Happy rolling over day to me.
❤
I hate to
sound &
feel &
think &
write
like a broken record.
I often wonder
"why?" &
"how?" &
"if I'll ever feel normal?"
(SIGH)
I remind myself to
breathe,
tiptoe forward, &
take each day as it is.
I muster a
smile,
enough energy to jump in the shower, &
courage to get through this moment.
I will be ok. Eventually.
sound &
feel &
think &
write
like a broken record.
I often wonder
"why?" &
"how?" &
"if I'll ever feel normal?"
(SIGH)
I remind myself to
breathe,
tiptoe forward, &
take each day as it is.
I muster a
smile,
enough energy to jump in the shower, &
courage to get through this moment.
I will be ok. Eventually.
(*"I'm having a string of rough days" rant /
maybe you can relate /
you're not alone!*)
- The thing with mental illness & disease is that THEY ARE FUCKING UNPREDICTABLE.
- The thing with eating disorders and body dysmorphia is that they are so much more than a physical thing.
- The thing with obsessive exercise is that a super fine line is crossed (oftentimes unnoticed) and it's really fucking hard to ever find a balance after that happens.
- The thing with your mind & body & brain and these mental illnesses and diseases = what works one day sometimes does the opposite the next.
The unpredictableness of it all is enough to drive a person (me) BONKERS.
I've been in recovery mode for about 2 months now. I'll sometimes have a string of good days (or even sometimes a really good week!). But then I'll wake up and for whatever reason feel like
- not getting up
- sleeping the entire day away
- resorting back to old habits and patterns and harmful behavior
- a failure
- every muscle in my body can't even move
- recovery isn't worth it
- lashing out at specific people (who contributed and supported my illness)
- unleashing all my anger (in a not-so-productive way)
- isolating myself from everyone and everything
- pulling apart every inch of my body and critiquing every single "flaw"
- "what's the purpose? WHY?"
(PHEW, even just writing that out makes me feel a tad better.)
If you're waiting on a happy ending to this post - sorry, you're in for a disappointment.
- not getting up
- sleeping the entire day away
- resorting back to old habits and patterns and harmful behavior
- a failure
- every muscle in my body can't even move
- recovery isn't worth it
- lashing out at specific people (who contributed and supported my illness)
- unleashing all my anger (in a not-so-productive way)
- isolating myself from everyone and everything
- pulling apart every inch of my body and critiquing every single "flaw"
- "what's the purpose? WHY?"
(PHEW, even just writing that out makes me feel a tad better.)
If you're waiting on a happy ending to this post - sorry, you're in for a disappointment.
Unfortunately, that's just the reality of my today.
& I have to accept that it might even be the reality of my tomorrow.
(although I hope not)
BUT. I know it will pass. (eventually)
I will be okay. (eventually)
Reminder - you're not alone if you have felt / are feeling these things.
Reminder - this might be the reality of your today. (and maybe even the reality of your tomorrow)
Reminder - it will pass.(eventually)
Reminder - you will be okay. (eventually)
& I have to accept that it might even be the reality of my tomorrow.
(although I hope not)
BUT. I know it will pass. (eventually)
I will be okay. (eventually)
Reminder - you're not alone if you have felt / are feeling these things.
Reminder - this might be the reality of your today. (and maybe even the reality of your tomorrow)
Reminder - it will pass.(eventually)
Reminder - you will be okay. (eventually)