7/12/2017 0 Comments it ain't over 'til it's overI find it funny that Lenny Kravitz is humming the tune of my life right now, from the baby speakers of my computer, as I type this very sentence. And I find it interesting that I chose to play this song before even thinking about the fact that it completely and totally relates to how I'm feeling. (*COUGH* "will this ever end?!" *COUGH*) But real talk - this song is the soundtrack to my life right now. And I mean that in the least melodramatic way possible. Hear me out for a second. You know those scenes in movies where it's like this chill-ass, groovy song and you're all KUMBAYA but then OH SHIT there's something horrific like a mass murder scene taking place? Picture that, but with my life. And the song is on repeat. And I'm stuck. (HELP) OK, maybe that's an exaggeration. Just a bit. Maybe not, though. So many tears I've cried Yesterday I went grocery shopping for the first time in 7 months. SEVEN MONTHS. Before venturing out on this initial fill-my-fridge-because-it's-empty-and-sad adventure, I didn't even give it a second thought. I was hungry, and my cupboards were bare, so I needed to remedy that. How? By buying food. Duh. Long story short, the experience turned out to be a very triggering one that brought back a lot of shitty feelings from when I was restricting and counting every crumb that went into my mouth. There I stood, in my neighborhood H-E-B, paralyzed, looking up and down at the breads, thinking about refined carbs and sugars and calories and how certain types make me feel more bloated than others. I stared at all the different types of yogurt, knowing damn well what's in each of them and the ones that are "good" to eat. I glanced at the almond milk that I used to swear by because there were only 35 calories in each serving. (it ain't over 'til it's over) I wandered, aisle after aisle, feeling like I couldn't focus. Not really knowing what was going on. I grabbed some things that were routine for me, like eggs and oats. But I avoided others that make me sick to think about these days, like carrots and chickpeas. I stopped and looked at my list. Again. Then again. (baby it ain't over 'til it's over) - Cereal. - Coffee creamer. - Mayonnaise. - Ramen Noodles. All things on my list that 7-month ago Alicia would have never touched. AKA not "CLEAN" foods. But I picked them up anyways. Because I wanted them. And because there's no such fucking thing as being a better human being for eating foods without additives / sweeteners / ETC. Food is food and that is that. So into my cart went the Frosted Mini Wheats. Followed by the Caramel Macchiato creamer, the Whataburger mayo (YUM!), and the assorted packages of different flavored ramen (...beef trumps all!). $100 dollars later I was home, my cupboards were less bare, and I was a mess. (it ain't over 'til it's over) I actually felt like a train had legit crashed straight into my face. My brain hurt and my eyes felt heavy and all I wanted to do was sleep. I asked myself, "what the hell?" I know 27 years is getting up there, but grocery shopping shouldn't take this much out of a 27-year old. Then... AH. It clicked. Like that last puzzle piece you search for forever, just to find out it was sitting underneath another one the entire time. BAM. At that moment I realized that I just took a really big step. Grocery shopping for myself for the first time in 7 months. Grocery shopping for myself for the first time since I stepped out of trying to control and stepped into a really rocky eating disorder recovery journey. An uphill battle (that saved my life). Grocery shopping for myself for the first time since I said "I can't do this alone" and "I don't know how I'm gonna make it through this but I'm gonna try." So I cried. Yes, I cried crocodile tears about grocery shopping (it's ok to laugh, I'm laughing about it too! lol). I realized, through this cry sesh, that so much of this past month and a half has been go-go-go. I haven't had a spare minute to really think about how I FEEL and to actually let those feelings engulf me to be able to work through it all. So once things slowed down (ABRUPTLY), it all hit me at once. Similar to a train. Crash, crash, ouch. Damn, that hurt. BUT, it ain't over 'til it's over. And I'm alright with that. Let it crash, let it hurt. Because these feelings help me grow and they serve as a reminder that my physical appearance means nothing in comparison to my mental health and sanity. SO. cheers to frosted mini wheats. |